I decided to make my miracle post publicly visible for a variety of reasons.
1. I’ve shared almost every painful and harrowing detail of my fertility journey to this point. Now that I’m finally close to the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow I feel like it’s a wimpy move to suddenly withhold the most important information of all, that currently, at this moment, I am PREGNANT! 5 weeks and 3 days pregnant. With an embryo whose sex and eye color are already determined. Wow. Though my blogging isn’t entirely confined to infertility based topics, I’ve worn my heart on my sleeve in those posts more than any other. I’ve researched and deconstructed and tried to provide the most accurate picture of what’s it like to have endo, what’s it’s like to learn that you only have a 2.5 % chance (if that) of conceiving naturally each month. To hold back the punch line, seems wrong and cowardly.
2. I read a post by Yeah, Science about the politics of sharing the good news when most of your readers are still struggling with infertility. What I took from that post is that to each their own. Yeah, Science even mentioned how some put bump disclaimers on blogs to be sensitive to certain readers. It made me think. It made me consider what I’d want, what I DO want from the blogs I read. I want truth, raw emotion, the real deal. I don’t want the writer to hold back. I don’t want the writer to censor their happiness OR their sadness. So I’ve decided that the best way for me to proceed is to be honest too. Even though it’s totally terrifying and seems at times like I’m tempting fate.
3. I’m still in shock. Total all encompassing shock. I’m hoping that writing about this pregnancy will make it feel more real. How is it that days before I was to start birth control to down regulate my ovaries, mere weeks before I was to start injections, that I took a pregnancy test and it was POSITIVE!? HOW?! Holy hot fudge Sunday with a cherry on top. Because with the exception of being a little bit more tired, I have absolutely no symptoms, which makes this seem even less real. I’ll admit, I expected gargantuan boobs, cravings, aversions and nausea to start as soon as I missed my period (I was especially looking forward to the boobs part). While it’s true the nips have been a tad more sensitive, overall I feel anti-climactic. I feel normal. I am however feeling the dreadful progesterone shots my fertility clinic is making me take. I’ve got a huge lump on my hip that’s so large it’s like I’ve sprouted a new, totally useless monster muscle that eats progesterone for breakfast and burps out pain.
4. I’m afraid. I’m so very very afraid that someone’s going to wake me from this dream, pull the carpet out from under me, kick me off the ride. Because let’s face it, there’s a reason they tell you to wait to tell the world until the second trimester. It’s been so hard not to be excited though, not to tell the gosh darn universe! So instead of telling random strangers on the street and embarrassing myself, this is my way of getting it out there. Few of my Facebook friends, old co-workers, colleagues etc. follow this blog. Here, I am relatively safe. I might still be told to turn around and go home, that this baby isn’t meant to be (please be baby, please be), but right now, with you, I’m going to let myself be excited. There is a critter growing inside me! And I pray that this critter continues to grow! I pray that next Monday we hear a beating heart, evidence that this soul is unfolding at just the right speed, catapulting toward an even more vibrant existence. A heartbeat won’t erase my fear entirely, no not even close, but it will certainly make this dream feel more like a reality.