As the lines deepen on my face, as my baby begins to leave behind remnants of her newborn self with each new skill she masters, as I learn to reconcile the dark spots on my past with the bright light of my present and future, I find myself here, taking it all FAR too seriously for just 7 days into 2015. But, it is time to do just that – get serious, get tough, get f’ing going.
I have been actively writing on this blog for several years now. I’ve chronicled my journey with endometriosis, with infertility, with the first few months as a new mommy (is it weird that at almost 9 months in, I don’t feel ‘new’ at it anymore? I’m not a pro by any means, but I’m not shushing a new born either – wow- dare I say it? Time doesn’t fly, it sprints).
Here, I’ve speckled in thoughts about writing, about life, about my family’s struggle with severe mental illness. I’ve mentioned my other blogs (the neglected Fitnesswhore.com and the new Crediblefeast.com). I’ve talked about my ideas for other projects, documentaries and books. I’ve lamented my lack of focus, my frustration with “building a platform,” with “finishing” what I’ve started – that novel that still nags at me managed to see 1,000 words yesterday, 2015 I will make you my writing b*T%^. Here, I’ve also hinted at being a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. Me. Me. Me. You’d think blogging since 2004 would make me more comfortable talking about me.
But it still feels awkward at times. Vain. Self-centered. Whoreish. I am still, at times, that little girl who feels damaged and different, unworthy of love and acceptance, insecure, branded by the scares of my childhood.
I’m not blogging about fashion tips here people, like a very successful blogger friend of mine who’s just inked deals with Saks and Vanity Fair (talk about kicking blogger @## and taking names). I’m not blogging about vegan dishes either, like another friend who’s on her second smash hit recipe book. I created Fitnesswhore.com and Crediblefeast.com as places to showcase my fitness and food interests, but here it’s all me, all the time, and it freaks me out. Here, I have been so very open without the protection of anonymity… And in this world of digital foot prints, and big data, and violations of privacy, it scares the crap out of me. Right up there with cancer, home invasions, and the risk of catastrophic car crashes. But I keep doing it.
Because this blog is the story of my life.
And there’s no longer room for self loathing and insecurity, unless I’m exploring how to overcome it.
This is the journal of me.
This is my way to connect to other writers, mothers, dreamers, and survivors. It can be my “platform,” sure, but above all it’s my saving grace. It’s my place to be brave. It’s my place to practice facing, and slaying, the demons that have shaped me for 34 years. It’s my place to struggle, to celebrate, to dish.
So in 2015, I am going to kick it up a notch, as I continue on my quest toward self improvement, toward accomplishing goals, toward being a better and more productive person, blogger, mother, sister, daughter, wife, and friend.
In that quest, I’m going to write 2 posts per week. Every week. An exercise in discipline.
One will be about self-improvement. About how I’m making me (there I am again! Doh!) better, be it my writing, my relationships, my home space, my mothering skills etc. I may naturally be disorganized, undisciplined, and lacking in focus. I may tend to vacillate between insecurity and confidence like a sex crazed swinger. But I don’t have to just accept me as I am. I CAN change (and so can you). And I’m going to blog about it.
A second post will be about life. In the name of creativity and catharsis. There will be updates. Stories of life happenings. Plans for projects. Creative essays. Blah, blah, blah. Or decidedly not blah. Because being me, Steph Mignon, CAN be very exciting. Don’t hate the blogger, hate the game, right? I will wear my awesomeness like a beautiful second skin.
After all, how many part-time private investigator, model/actor signed baby mamas, with backgrounds in food regulatory compliance, psychology, and law, who are currently grappling with a family member with psychotic mental illness, and writing novels about “ghosts” in Beverly Hills, do you know?
2015, will be a year of renaissance for me, and so, for this blog. There will be more posts. More photos – professional and otherwise. There will be more creativity, but also more consistency. There will be more truth, and less fear.
This will be a year of “re-birth” for StephMignon.com. And I’m pumped about it.
What will 2015 be for you?