On July 31, 2015, the day Hercules died, I cried all day. My eyes were raw, my face as red as a turnip, and my heart depleted, like someone had turned it inside out and washed it a trillion times on the sanitize setting. I was truly exhausted and sick with sadness.
At around 4 PM, I wondered out loud, “When am I going to get my darn period!?” Despite years of pain associated with my monthly cycle, I can say that those since my surgery have brought with them a kind of release, an emotional leveling. I was ready for a new month. I was ready to start over.
Breastfeeding and sleep disruptions have made my period fairly unpredictable since having Daphne. I had no idea when it last came (end of June maybe?) because I haven’t been keeping track religiously. I figured there was no need to, really, until we decided to get serious about trying when Daphne turned 2.
Well, five hours after I put my first dog as an adult, my first baby, to sleep, I found out I am pregnant. Approximately 5 plus weeks. I have no delusions that this will work out. Only hope. And a healthy dose of fear. The nausea hasn’t set in yet, exactly, but I feel hung over and exhausted. My first ultrasound is a week from tomorrow. Until then, I try not to think too far ahead. I try not to wonder about gender, and names, and what life will look like with a two year old and a newborn baby.
One thing I am thinking about, however, is prepping food before the nausea comes. I figure I can eat it anyway even if I miscarry, right? I have a bit of energy this afternoon (a 2.5 hour nap will do that!), so I’m going to try to make almond flour banana bread and veggie heavy chicken soup. These are two nutrient dense foods I think I’ll be able to stomach if and when it hits me.
I’m also thinking about how behind I am on my projects. I have a post planned on CF about Vitamin D, and an essay I want to write here about the James Holmes case. And there’s my book too. But for now any extra energy is going toward Daphne, and resting, and trying to move away from grief and toward joy. Even if this pregnancy doesn’t work out, it’s a HUGE blessing considering my reproductive history. There were no teas involved, no magical pills, no prenatal vitamins. Only a healthy lifestyle and bittersweet luck.
The day Daphne was born, it was a blood moon. A dear friend pointed out on the day Hercules died, that it would be a blue moon that night. Sure enough, a few hours after testing for the second time, the moon shown full and illuminated the sky. To me if felt like an eerily beautiful tribute to a decade of love between a girl and her dog, along with the promise of an exciting new chapter. To me, it still feels like a really good sign.
This is wonderful. I’m so happy for you. I know you’re hurting from your loss. I know the fear you’re feeling but try not to those things block your joy. Congrats!
Thank you! Of course I’m having some worrisome symptoms now, but trying to stay positive. I really kind of hate this.
Congrats!! So exciting!
Thank you! Hoping for the best.
Oh, wow. Steph! What an emotional few days! Be extra kind to yourself in the coming weeks and fingers crossed for that u/s next week!
Thanks friend. I’m having some not so good symptoms, but trying to stay positive. :/
What?!?! What wonderful, magical news. I know it’s a scary time of hoping and being afraid to hope, but I am full of nothing but hope for you. Will be thinking of you in all the uncertain but hopeful days ahead. Congrats, my friend. xoxo
Thanks Cassie! UGH! I hate this. All my symptoms are gone today 🙁
I remember having days like that too….and yet, then they would return a day or two later. It’s still so, so early. “Symptoms” aren’t a reliable predictor! But I know it’s still terrifying. Thinking of you!!
This is just wonderful! Congratulations. 🙂
Thank you!!!! I’m trying not to get my hopes. Especially since all my symptoms are gone. :/
I understand. My symptoms came and went so many times and it scared me silly. I will be hoping for the best for you and this little life.
Congrats! I’m cautiously optimistic for you!
trying to get caught up here…. oh my goodness! i’m in tears, so sad and happy for you all at once! no doubt hercules is watching over this baby! xoxo
Aw! Thank you! So good to hear from you. Glad you are back!