I have been crying on and off for the last hour.

This is kind of funny because earlier today I planned to write about what an amazing weekend I had, how renewed and rejuvenated I felt, and how I finally felt a small burst of that second trimester energy.

I was going to write about how much I enjoy putting my baby girl to sleep even now without nursing. And how proud I am of the intelligent and social toddler she is becoming. I adore her. So very very much.

But then Merp and I started talking about what’s coming.

Yes a baby boy is on his way. And that comes with its own challenges, but that’s not what’s been plaguing me this evening. Not at all actually because I know the chances are pretty darn good that I will love him instantly and know exactly what to do by instinct alone.

What’s freaking me out then?


In February we will be getting an au pair. From Spain. Who is 25. She will live with us and help out with the kids so I can manage our properties etc. We have no family around and this is the most afforable option. Merp’s job has changed and he will be around less as well. We need this in so many ways.

Yet, she will LIVE with us. Eat with us. Be a part of our household.

And it just sank in.

She is so cool and I like her very much. But she will live in our house. All the time.

I’m scared. I’m concerned that maybe this is not the right decision. But I have already committed.

Tomorrow I’ll explain more.

In the meantime, do you know anyone else who has done this?

I have one friend who’s been thrilled with her experience so there’s that but…

This is my family. This is my home. This is my safe place.

And I don’t want anything to mess that up.

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