For crying about something that’s actually really wonderful.
I’m going to have help. I’m going to have an extra set of hands. I’m going to have another adult to talk to amidst nursing and Elmo. I’m going to learn Spanish. My daughter is going to learn Spanish. Me son too (sooo weird to say!) And maybe we’ll even eat some Paella!
But the gravity of bringing someone else into the fold hit me last night like a bat over the head. And to be honest, it doesn’t take much to make me cry right now.
The other night when reading “Mars Needs Moms”, a hand me down from D’s cousin, I lost it. My 18 month old was looking at me like I was one of the aliens in the book. And that made me cry even harder! She doesn’t understand aliens, but she’s beginning to understand the concept of the “mommy,” beyond just me. She’s fully aware that the mommies on the bus say “shhh shhh shhh” and holds up her shushing finger to prove it. It’s the most adorable thing I have ever f’ing seen.
Something about that though reaches deep into my psyche and twists a knife to the point where it hurst, but in kind of a good way. As her awarness of the world, of the most important roles around her, widens I am filled with awe and wonder and fear and love. Each day for her is like a treasure chest of new experiences and I get to be a part of that, a BIG part of that, because I am her most important guide. I am her mommy. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph that’s some mind blowing $!#%. I am a mom.
Adding to this emotion is all that chaos I’ve been feeling as stated in my A Day In The Life post…
On top of how fat and gross and unsexy and not amazing I have been feeling because pregnancy. I am not blessed with an easy one symptom-wise.
So can anyone blame me for not wanting to add a 25 year old up into the mix when I’m 8 months pregnant? For feeling a little overwhelmed to be relinquishing the intimacy of my family unit of three at exactly when I should be cherishing it?
So, today I came up with a solution.
Our lovely wonderful au pair can come at the end of April instead of in February. After baby boy is born. After we’ve had a few weeks to bond as a family, to ease into our new roles as parts of four.
Because in order to manage two properties, one of which is a short term vacation rental a la air bnb that requires ALOT from me, this is the only way. As you all helped me see, we need her.
And I need to write some better blog posts! Blah. Blah. Blah!
National Blog Post Writing Month is hard y’all. But somehow I’m doing it. And your comments and likes are cheering me on! Thank you.