Looking at this picture, I realize I don’t look as big as I feel. But dear God, I feel HUGE. Especially at night.

Oh and the scale hates me. I’m almost up 30 pounds. I might need to reel it in…

Anyway, I attribute not looking too big here to a good maternity outfit.

For me, a good maternity outfit involves black on the bottom half, the place where all of my fat cells seem to rejoice and multiply when I’m pregnant. This picture hardly showcases the largeness that is my behind. Truly. I am the non-Armenian Kim K in the derriere department. Cept’ I guarantee I have far more dimples than she’ll ever have. Oh cellulite, why must you use my pregnancy as an excuse to breed like bunny rabbits? WHY!?

To me, a good maternity outfit also involves layering on the upper half of my body since that is the part of me that stays relatively slim, but that needs to be balanced atop my big booty and thighs. I think from this point forward I shall buy only vests and scarves, things that I’ll be able to wear after pregnancy, if, of course, I buy anything for my maternity wardrobe at all. I just can’t justify spending any more money on maternity clothing when we’re 99.9 percent sure this is my last pregnancy. I’m 35. Two is a miracle. I can’t go through 3.5 months of vomiting and exhaustion again, I just can’t. Plus, there’s no guarantee we’d be blessed with a third, even if we tried.

Having fewer clothes to choose from is actually really freeing. I’m trying on that whole capsule wardrobe thing. I can do simple. Watch me. (Says the girls who saves magazines and clothes from high school).

For real though, here’s what I’m wearing lately:

4 pairs of black leggings

1 pair of black and white leggings

4 maternity dresses

4 wrap sweaters (not maternity)

2 over sized sweaters

2 pairs of maternity jeans (that I HATE. Maternity jeans just do NOT work for me).

5 Old Navy maternity tanks

2 sleeveless maternity blouses obtained from Stitch fix

4 stretchy maxi skirts

Red lipstick

And then all of my pre-pregnancy scarves, boots, and other accessories to create the illusion that I actually care about how I look right now.

I mean, I kind of care, otherwise why would I be writing about my capsule maternity wardrobe in the first place, right? But for real though, I’m struggling to find the motivation to change out of my pajamas. And now that I’m not super nauseous, I’m realizing it’s time to reintegrate exercise, beyond walking to and from the car for errands, back into my life. Especially when I’m eating as much as a Hobbit.

I’m approximately 22 weeks pregnant, feeling huge, and fighting the negative “thoughts” that are trying to infiltrate the positive wolf pack I’m feeding these days.

I may not feel beautiful, but I am.

I may not feel healthy, but I am.

I may not feel sexy, but I am.

Sometimes you just have to act as if, slap on the red lipstick, brush your hair, and pretend you ARE a gorgeous piece of woman meat. Despite how you feel.

Pregnant or not, what makes you feel pretty? Sexy? Healthy? I feel like I’m missing something here. I used to be so good at finding ways to work it. Nowadays the only thing I’m working are elastic waists and granny panties.



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