Me, 37 weeks pregnant, post Reiki session.

When I found out my baby was breech at my 33 week appointment, I immediately began ALL the things to help him turn.

I’ve been belly dancing using this video because I heard it can loosen the hips and help a breech baby flip.

I’ve been laying upside down ala Spinning Babies.

I’ve done head stands in the pool, frighting my fellow swimmers in a pre baby bikini because I don’t have a maternity swim suit.

I’ve gone to 3 chiropractic appointments and 2 moxibustion acupuncture visits, goodbye money.

I’ve been crawling around on all fours.

I even did a Reiki session with my spiritual mentor.

But now, I’m 37-weeks and it’s time to turn him. Manually. From the outside of my uterus. Goody!

Thank you Kim K for graciously sharing your own ECV story with all of us. For real though, Saint West is a gorgeous child and like Kim I’ve gained far more weight than is recommended, a risk factor for breech presentation, so let’s hope I have a similar result: A successful ECV, a healthy, beautiful baby boy via the vajay, and an insta worthy body in 3 months (I kid! But hey ANYTHING is possible).

But, today when I saw my doctor, I lost it. I’ve been losing it a lot lately, to be honest. Call it pregnancy hormones or circumstance or both, but I am EMOTIONAL. This IS NOT how things are supposed to go. Baby boy is supposed to be HEAD DOWN by now, nestled in between my thighs, almost ready to pop forth into this crazy world after 12 hours of labor and 30 minutes of pushing (that’s what I’m visualizing). When I read that some consider being head down “the first developmental milestone” something developed all right, a litany of worries I didn’t have before. Is he okay? Why hasn’t he turned? Is something wrong that they missed? Does he have a short cord? Is he okayyyyy?

All the while, my daughter has been a Stage 5 nap fighter for the last week. I’ve tried everything. Staying in the room. Leaving the room. Trapping her in the crib (she’s been in a big girl bed since 15 months old). Epsom salt baths. Essential oils. Deep talks. No sleep until a car ride for this kid. Until today – she is currently asleep in her bed at an appropriate nap time and it’s a MIRACLE! My beautiful girl is brilliant and vibrant, but sooooo difficult at times. THANK GOD for our Au Pair. We had a tumultuous first week, but now we’ve all adjusted to one another nicely, though her presence hasn’t made the beginning of the terrible twos any easier.

Also, we’re moving. We’re selling our beloved Ventura Air Bnb home, which has been killing it, and our primary residence because we have to relocate back to West Los Angeles. It’s such a high cost area that we need the money from both homes to make it work. This move is bittersweet and won’t happen until June, but STILL. Adult life be Cra. Finances be stressful. Making new friends be weird. Having a second child be terrifying.

As for that last one, let me say it again: having a second child IS TERRIFYING. The reality of it all hit me at my Sprinkle. The last two years of my life flashed before my eyes as I pawed through a gift bag of newborn clothes.  I felt the cluster feeding. Heard the crying. Winced at the sore nipples. The sleepless nights. The diaper blowouts. The struggles with tummy time. The raw pain of Post partum healing. I wonder what it will be like with so much less of me to go around. I wonder about the love and worries that come along with it.

I’m grateful, but I’m also so very scared.

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